Divorce Lawyer Chicago - Family Attorney

Judges and Bitterness

There are few things more detrimental to a divorce proceeding than a very bitter spouse. Judges are experts at picking up the bitterness. Any motion or demand made by the bitter party will be viewed with distrust. Thus, it is very important in a divorce to have control of your emotions - if only to keep the judge on your side.

If you are like 90% of divorcing people and are having anger issues about the divorce, it may help to speak with a therapist. A therapist will help you analyze your situation and work through your emotions. This, in turn, will help your divorce proceed more smoothly.

Conclusion: Bitterness can only hurt you.

1st Mother's Day After Divorcing

The first Mother's Day after a divorce can be awkward. In Chicago most Parenting Agreements include a clause that the children will spend Mother's Day with their mother. Apart from this, however, few parent's give Mother's Day much thought until the day arrives. Here are some tips from Divorce 360 on how parents can get the most out of this special day:

1. Accept that there will be anger from the children,
2. Try to keep the routine for the kids,
3. Be respectful of your ex as you work out the details,
4. Parent's should facilitate helping children with gifts,
5. Enlist the aid of others,
6. Develop new traditions and rituals, and
7. Show consideration for the former mother-in-law.

If done properly, Mother's Day can help validate the children's love for their mother and establish a foundation of trust between the parents that will serve everybody well in the years to come.

A New Love

In Chicago divorces typically take between 6 months and 3 years to resolve. There is a lot of stress and loneliness for the parties involved. A new “significant other” can often provide you the emotional support you need. If you find yourself falling in love with someone new, there are some precautions you need to take.

Flaunting your significant other to your spouse, or introducing them to your children before they are ready is unwise. Your spouse may not be ready to see you move on with your life. Similarly, your children might be resentful of a new person taking the place of the other parent. Either situation could result in unnecessary conflict.

Also, if you are spending money on your new love, the court could find that you are dissipating marital assets and may deduct this from your marital settlement. Similarly, dating before you are married is technically “infidelity” and - if you are untactful - it could make you look like a bad person in front of the judge.

However, judges recognize that people need to move on with their lives. Finding a new love is part of the process. The key to dating during a divorce is to be tactful, discreet and respectful of the feelings of everyone involved.

Advice: Be discreet.

Infidelity and Divorce

Divorce360 reports that a study indicates that infidelity is “estimated to be present in up to 90% of divorces...the betrayed partner experiences post-traumatic-like stress symptoms that if left untreated can escalate into major problems...therapy can result in a more favorable outcome for the couple...”

Conclusion: If you are getting divorced because of infidelity, you are not alone.

Therapy

Although family and friends can be a great support network, sometimes they are not enough. This is especially true if you have been seriously wronged by your spouse or are going through a particularly painful divorce. Often, talking to a third party can help you gain a more objective view of your situation.

Conclusion: Therapy is good.

Family and Friends

One of the first questions I ask my clients is about their support network. How close are they to their family? Do they have friends to confide in?

People who have a good support network are better prepared for the emotional minefield that often accompanies a divorce. Family and friends can give you the support you need when you are insecure or questioning yourself. Just their presence is often enough to convince you that you are a person worthy of love and that your divorce is just a bad situation that you are going through.

If you are not close to your family and/or don’t have close friends there is no need to despair. Many people manage just fine all by themselves. Also, you can use your newfound freedom to take a class or join a club. Seeing new people who appreciate you can have a great effect on your self-esteem, divorce  and future happiness.

Conclusion: There is a world full of people who are not your spouse.

Divorce & Identity

When people get married their whole perception of themselves changes. Often, newlyweds stop referring to each other as “John” or “Jane” but say “my husband” or “my wife.”  This is just the beginning of a transition where you begin to perceive yourself as “half of a whole.” You and your spouse’s identities become intertwined. You share a home, finances, family and friends. Often, you also share children.

During a divorce you have to redefine your identity again. However, while you entered into your marriage joyfully, you usually exit your marriage after all other options have failed. Thus, redefining yourself after divorce will not be the joyous experience it was when you got married.

As you go through a divorce it is easy to blame your spouse not only for the bad behavior during the marriage but also for the painful identity crisis that you face as a result of the divorce.

For your personal benefit, try to separate the naturally painful process of separation from your spouse’s bad behavior. Remember, your spouse may be going through a similarly painful process. The more objective that you are about you, your spouse and your divorce, the quicker you will be able to focus on yourself and getting your life back together.

Conclusion: Acknowledging an identity crisis can smooth the transition from married to single.

Depression, Hostility and a Broken Heart

A recent study shows that hostility and depression - two emotions found in most divorcing couples - can lead to heart problems:

“There are of course mental health reasons to treat depression and hostility. Now we know there is a physical health reason — the link to cardiovascular diseases,” Dr. Stewart said.

Conclusion: One more reason to sign up for counseling.

Men and Mourning

A recent study shows that men mourn divorce differently from women. Men’s grieving often starts later than women, they miss their home and children the most (rather than their spouse) and they are less likely to verbalize their pain.

Conclusion: Men have emotions too.