Emotions & Divorce

One of the first questions I ask my clients is about their support network. How close are they to their family? Do they have friends to confide in?

People who have a good support network are better prepared for the emotional minefield that often accompanies a divorce. Family and friends can give you the support you need when you are insecure or questioning yourself. Just their presence is often enough to convince you that you are a person worthy of love and that your divorce is just a bad situation that you are going through.

If you are not close to your family and/or don’t have close friends there is no need to despair. Many people manage just fine all by themselves. Also, you can use your newfound freedom to take a class or join a club. Seeing new people who appreciate you can have a great effect on your self-esteem, divorce  and future happiness.

Conclusion: There is a world full of people who are not your spouse.

It often baffles me how people whose marriage has no hope of surviving still refuse to let go. Common scenarios are where a wife drags out the signing of the divorce agreement or where a divorcing husband who has moved out of his wife’s home leaves a change of clothes behind.

According to yesterday’s New York Times The Advantages of Closing a Few Doors, this is common human behavior. Researchers had MIT students play a game where they literally lost money by keeping their “doors open.” Students refused to reduce their options even when it was clear that they were loosing money as a result.

Divorce is not a game and the consequences of not acting logically can be serious. By not closing the door on your marriage you may drag out an unnecessarily painful process or aggravate your spouse to the point where they cannot communicate with you. Either way, you will end up having to spend more time, money and energy on an issue that could have been more easily resolved.

Conclusion: If it’s over, let it go.

A recent study shows that men mourn divorce differently from women. Men’s grieving often starts later than women, they miss their home and children the most (rather than their spouse) and they are less likely to verbalize their pain.

Conclusion: Men have emotions too.

Times Online has a great article titled The Path to an Amicable Divorce. Here are some highlights:

• Whether a couple can raise their children successfully depends to a large extent on their ability to form a good post-divorce relationship,
• Couples who have separated with dignity remain not only closer to their children, but civilized in their dealings with former partners, and
• [People who have a civil relationship with their ex] are more likely to have happy second marriages.

Conclusion: Civility pays off.